Transformation

Questioning me and my dreams,

What is real, what is reality?

with each sun rise, my wings will soar.

Yet when darkness descends,

I'm transformed

My heart is breaking, my mind's at peace

I'm struggling, battling,

Will this war ever cease?

I'm stumbling, in my sleep

I'm wandering, walled up with no keys.

I'm breaking down,

I'm holding up

Without you now,

I'm found yet lost.

You speak to me,

Yet your silence is deafening.

You look to see,

Yet you are blind to my reasoning.

Within, without,

Running, falling, I cant stop

This poison,

This drug called Love.

Perfectionism Is Worrying....Sometimes

Is it just me or has anyone ever felt that each day, every moment they were struggling with themselves in thier head?

I recently just watched The King's Speech and greatly empathised with the King who had a stammer and needed speech therapy. I felt for him because thats how I feel every day of every waking moment(and perhaps also when dreaming)...no not stammering literally, but stammering in my head-stammering about decisions, about saying the right words, argueing with myself about the evil thoughts that pop up, trying to keep down the rising anger and impatience and that god damned huge ego of mine!! On the surface Im the Queen of Cool, underneath Im bubbling and frothing like a lil ol volcano about to erupt :)
Now I see what all those Buddhist books are talking about...being aware of our minds is....frankly driving me up the wall. The only thing thats keeping me on the ground is my body; if it were only my mind, a wisp of a thing called a spirit, I believe Id be having a crazy frenzied fit right at this moment.

The only thing that calms me-TOTALLY-is being in complete nature(without a single chattering human soul) and chants...yes you heard right, not rap, not hip hop, not B music, just good ol chanting by monks or sometimes nuns....it stills my heart and my thoughts.

And this trying to keep everyone happy....please let me tell you know, I.S. N.O.T. P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E....I try to remind myself that even the Lord Buddha could not make everyone happy or everyone around him agreeable, therefore someone as mundane and insignificant as myself, should not even attempt such a hurdle.
And worry, another thing I do best at and make worst of...no wonder my hair's falling out in bunches these days!! And let me tell you now, that somehow somewhere I can hear(in my head) that stupid song (on rewind) hey mambo...mambo italiano...hey mambo.......

I believe I am in need of a mental spiritual therapist, like NOW!! haha
Well here's to perfectionism and here's to worrying!! My 2 wonderful companions who never leave my side.

A few quotes that got me:

"You cant start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about whats happening now."
Lauren Bacall

"Perfectionism is slow death."
Anon

AND BABY MAKES 3

Being a mother to three children before hitting the BIG 30 is quite an achievement for someone like me.

Others may have thier masters degrees and high flying careers, jetting about the world, drinking champagne and joining the mile high club; but nope, for me there's nothing more livening than having three kids, being dragged around to places where they want to be(when they finally seem to agree) and going to social functions with one baby tucked under my arm, and two trailing along-usually with one bawling and the other griping about me not getting her the things she wants..and with me looking all dishevelled with a stupid grin slapped on my face for good measure....ahhh this is definitely the height of motherhood bliss!!

Everyone else I know in my league are just getting married or are engaged or even just starting a family of thier own...little do they know how peaceful it is to have just one child, even two...harharha

I cant complain (much) since I have a great network of friends, family and helpers that help me along the way-be it something that needs constant wiping such as a nose, bum or mouth; even trying to manage timeouts and shouting out 'DONT TOUCH THAT DAMMIT!?!' Yes I have my fair share of help of which I am grateful for, literally every second of each day. Atleast I get a few minutes and hours to myself to do what I have to do be it, getting dressed, checking my emails, getting shock theraphy...oops scratch that I mean meditating....on a good book or tv show or cartoon, which is usually the case here.

And there is never a moment where all three are peacefully happy, except of course when they are asleep! But that doesnt count I suppose now does it?
And as for Deepak Chopra's book on spiritual parenting...I know its here somewhere in this pile of mess...ah well as I was saying, as for his book-he must've have had very angelic and obedient children...otherwise how else could he explain it all away, each time mentioning to react to every situation with patience and good humour?

It seems lovely and I try, but goodness, what am I supposed to say and do when Im supervising two children taking the opportunity of my nursing the baby, to maim eachother ? Both are trying to get at the scissors, my toddler trying to stab her with it, while she attempts to bite his arm...am I supposed to calmly smile, tell them that such behaviour in uncomely and they should hash it out like the rational adults they will become?? I think by then I'd have had an emergency case on my hands .

But then again, there are moments, which I wouldnt replace for the world; like the moment my toddler generously shares some yummy tidbit with his sister and her styling his hair for an outing and best of all what we all cant resist-the little baby's smiles and gurgles that have us all smiling back at him.